The first thing I feel as I write this post is a sense of loss and empathy for the life Anna should and could have lived. Then I decided to make it a celebration of her brief life.
I didn’t know Anna very well. I knew she was in Medical School and had grown up to be a stunning young woman. Her friends reflected on how kind and considerate she was as a person. Well, this is one of the most positive attributes you will ever come across in a person.
There are so many people today concerned only with how they project themselves to the real world, instead of being authentic and real like she was. It seems Anna was incredibly clever, but perhaps it wasn’t the right time at that stage in her life, or perhaps it wasn’t that at all. We may never know and sadly it seems she felt unable to turn to anyone to help resolve her pain after disconnection.
The emphasis the media puts on what we look like today does not help at all especially a young, vulnerable woman just starting out in life. Not only with academic pressures but peer pressure too, and perhaps men who she may have felt pressured to get involved with before she was ready, we don’t know. For a young woman everything is very different to say ten or so years later when we can reflect and realise how ridiculous all this was at the time. I don’t think it has anything to do with being ill, rather it’s about being human, and at times feeling inadequate which we can all feel at times.
My psychiatrist has told me such feelings are really not part of the anorexic disorder. They are instead feelings many young women feel as they explore the ups and downs of life. One minute deep feelings of depression and the next really wonderful moments of joy. We all feel out of control and overwhelmed at times and it is not healthy to be overweight.
But this is dieting taken to extreme and more, and is far more complex than just refeeding. Although of course for survival, for bodily functions to start working and for the brain and cognitive functioning to return, as well as for discernment, judgement and perspective, this is just the star of the journey to recovery.
Depending on the longevity of the illness and how entrenched it has become, a person can require many years of counselling therapy and whatever other ways they find to help them get over this really awful illness.
It is, I believe, an illness which can lead to one of the highest mortality rates, namely suicide. We are all individual and should be treated as such. Early intervention is of course by far the best option.
Today I honour Anna’s life. It seems she found her life so unbearable and unfathomable. I was lucky and my journey to recovery has been a long and very difficult one, including a lot of pain and misunderstanding, and people making judgements and assumptions without knowing everything.
I can only pay my respect to Anna as person and the difference she made in her all too short life. Anorexia is a very serious complex psychological and emotional illness which affects us spiritually and takes over the whole of our life, and our existence.
For me it was the anorexia that took control. I lost all control which is what made it so serious. So when looking at someone who is emaciated and probably so traumatised they can’t speak, it can be very distressing for most of us, and not everyone is emotionally equipped to offer love and support needed by a person in the grips of this mental illness.
My story is a complex one about love, joy, sorrow, pain, grief and loss. I will never have children. However, I am still alive, for which I thank God. I now have much more confidence in myself and have learnt so much not just about myself but about other people too.
We should never judge a book by its cover and there are so many people in this world today who are suffering in some way or another, especially after the response to this awful pandemic.
I fell in love, the details of which I don’t want to go into, and I knew how much my friends cared. If that event had not happened, that mutual love, we had for each other, I would not be alive today.
Love is the strongest emotion there is and of course then sex. I came across someone who I loved more than myself and who loved me back, and so food, calories and my weight ceased to matter. Love mattered to me more and it is that love that has seen me through to the end.
We need money to live, however, love in this day and age is so very undervalued, and yet I feel not one of us can live without it. We are all in it together and in my view connected in some way, those of us who are on the same wave length emotionally and spiritually.
And so I would like to remember Anna in the only way I know how, and that is by keeping her values in my memory. Also by giving me the confidence to reach out to others, bearing in mind that asking for help can be one of the most courageous things any one can ever do.
Rest in peace and may God be with you Anna, your life and your memory and the difference you have made and taught us will live on in many people’s hearts and memories for time to come…
[Guest post by Rachel]